As a whole cows are pretty docile animals, but don’t let the fact that they look like brisket-filled beanbag chairs fool you. As any cattleman can attest, a small percentage of cows can be quite dangerous. Did you know that cows kill more people every year than sharks do?
That’s a pretty scary statistic, but to be fair cows have much more opportunities for mayhem. How many people a year do you think are killed trying to milk a shark? Probably two, no more than three tops. Besides, cows don’t have to worry about giving themselves away with a dorsal fin protruding from their back.
Author’s Note: The humped Brahman, of course, being the exception to this rule. They’re the Great White Sharks of the bovine world.
The majority of these cattle related fatalities are probably accidents and not the result of vicious attacks. However, there are exceptions. I’ve personally met several cows who’d be more comfortable fighting in a barbarian horde than grazing on a peaceful farm. The danger is out there, yet the Discovery Channel firmly refuses to change Shark Week to Cow Week, no matter how many scathing letters I write.
Who then will teach people how to survive when they find themselves face to face with Bovine the Destroyer, the barbarian cow? The snooty lawyers at the Discovery Channel have asked me to stop sending my letters, even the ones masterfully illustrated with my crayon doodles of axe-wielding cows. So, I suppose this dire responsibility has fallen to me. Therefore, I give you my guide to surviving a cow attack.
The Dickens Guide to Surviving a Cow Attack
Step One: Be Wary
Cows can strike viciously and without warning. However, if you remain vigilant and watch for signs of impending doom, you might be able to avoid the attack altogether. Keep a wary eye on any cow with its head held high and ears pulled back. This is usually a sign of nervousness. Unfortunately, figuring out whether they’re nervously about to flee or nervously considering murder-killing you to death in a storm of hooves can be a little tricky to determine. Either way they probably don’t want you go walk up and pet them.
However, the most dangerous thing to watch for is a cow with a calf. Momma cows can smell and, probably, even taste your fear. Avoid them at all cost, and turn your back to them at your own peril.
Step Two: Evasive Maneuvers
Even with my sage advice you may find yourself unable to avoid an attack. Natural speed and athleticism will play a significant factor in your effectiveness at evading Bovine the Destroyer and her mission to eradicate the human race. However, there are a few tips and tricks you can use to survive.
First and foremost, always have an escape plan. Try to remain within safe running distance of a fence, vehicle, or even a particularly easy to climb tree. I also suggest practicing your fence climbing maneuvers. Whether it’s flipping over the fence like a graceful acrobat or flopping to the ground and rolling under, you never know which technique could save your life.
If you’re unable to escape but happen to have a sibling close by, you can always use them as a handy distraction. Cows, being much like lions, usually seek out the weakest prey. And in my experience few things appear weaker than a recently tripped and abandoned brother.
Author’s Note: In the interest of full disclosure I only had enough helpful information for two steps, and both of those were pretty much commonsense already. However, I need to reach a certain word count for this article. Otherwise my editor, LeAnne, will keep me locked in The Writer Cage until I’ve written enough jokes. It’s kind of cramped in here, and there’s no wifi. So, if it’s alright with you folks I’m just going to make up a bunch of nonsense from here on, which is basically what I do most of the time anyways.
So, if evasive maneuvers don’t work, I don’t know… Maybe, scream like really loud?
Hey! That’ll work. I can totally write about that!
Step Three: Scream Like Really Loud
Loud noises can be both distracting and discombobulating. This is why soldiers use flashbangs during ambushes, and why babies use ear-piercing cries to distract their parents from their evil and nefarious baby schemes. If you find yourself the victim of a cow attack, try screaming really loud. Do your best to emulate what you’d imagine a Pterodactyl stepping on a Lego block would sound like.
Due to their floppy, elongated ears cows possess a keen sense of hearing. Because of this they’re very sensitive to the screams of short, red-bearded farmers making shrill dinosaur noises. You can turn one of their strengths against them to make your escape.
Author’s Note: I’m not entirely sure if that’s how ears work… Or babies for that matter.
Step Four: Establish Dominance
Even if you escape the initial attack from the bloodthirsty bovine, in all likelihood you’re going to have to deal with the hell-beast again. However, if you can establish yourself as the Alpha of the herd, you might be able to avoid all the running and screaming in the future. Unfortunately, there’s not exactly a surefire way to exert dominance over a creature that’s roughly the size of a Ford Focus. But I’m still several hundred words short of an article, so here are a couple of sound ideas that I just made up.
You could challenge the troubling cow to a gentlemanly bout of fisticuffs for the right to rule the farm. However, just because the cow lacks both fists and cuffs does not guaranty victory, but that doesn’t mean you should be too afraid to try. Cows will never be cowed by a cowering coward.
Author’s Note: You have no idea how long I tried to fit the word “cowl” into that last sentence.
You could also try taking a page from the popular book and film franchise, The Hunger Games. In case you haven’t read them, the books are about an evil government that every year takes a couple dozen kids from their respective homes then forces them to fight to the death in a needlessly elaborate arena while the entire country watches. The government does this to set an example and prove that they have absolute power over the people.
I think the book was supposed to be a metaphor about the dangers of too much government power or something, but all I learned was that it’s alright to plagiarize your book as long as you’re only ripping off a Japanese movie that nobody’s ever heard of. However, you could easily employing the same methods to establish dominance over your herd. You simple wrangle up several calves and force them to fight inside your barn. The watching cows would certainly learn who’s in charge then.
Besides the obvious ethical and moral dilemmas with this method, you may have a difficult time getting the calves to properly fight each other. Even if you manage it, the battle would probably be aggressively boring since their stupid little hooves make it nearly impossible to shoot a bow or even hold a sword.
Author’s Note: This would still make a better book than The Hunger Games.
Step Five: Surrender
If all these steps fail to stop Bovine the Destroyer, you really only have one option left. Surrender. You could try ceding her territory and hope she remains in her pasture. However, sooner or later her lust for power will have to be sated. She’ll eventually conquer each field until she is the sovereign ruler of the farm. All you can do then is throw yourself at her hooves and pledge your undying loyalty to her. Her honor demands that she spare your life and accept you as a servant. And she shall be crowned Queen of the Cows.
All hail Bovine the Destroyer, Queen of the Cows.
Author’s Note: I’ll admit this article spiraled out of control and crash landed somewhere in the realm of strange. However, I’ve finally reached my word count, and I can see LeAnne heading this way with the key to The Writer Cage. It seems I’ve finally earned my freedom. At least, until next month…
I hope everyone enjoyed the article today. It is certainly one of the weirder ones that I’ve written over the years. If you’re new to my blog feel free to peruse through the archives to read some of my older stuff. If you haven’t done so yet, you can like my Facebook page by following the link in the top menu of this page. Also, it’s a little known fact that if you don’t share this article on Facebook or other social media, Bovine the Destroyer will find you and destroy you. So go share this article, not for me but for your safety.