So I Googled myself last night because I’m a narcissist and wanted to see if I was famous yet, and in my searching I discovered that a very nice cattle company had shared on their Facebook page my latest magazine article, “The Dickens Guide to Halter Breaking Calves.” If you haven’t read it, the article is a humorous how-to guide to halter breaking. Like most everything else I write, the piece is chock full of my own brand of sarcasm, satire, and self-depreciating humor. I was rather proud of how the article turned out, and others seemed to enjoy it as well being that it was read nearly 10,000 times and shared over 160 times in the span of a few days. So, thanks for that my awesome readers.
Anyways, I clicked on this cattle company’s Facebook post to read the comments, and what I found was the most deliciously scathing comment about myself and my article by a very angry lady named, Maria. This comment was a masterpiece of seething, fiery Chase-hate. But don’t just take my word for it. Read for yourself. Here it is word for word:
Chase Dickens you are an abomination and an aberration. You call this an article: this is the most disgusting and hateful piece I have ever read, using demeaning words for a sweet animal that you just traumatized so you can show your power trip over a baby. this how you speak of the animals that make you profit. Shame on you! I hope Hell awaits you and I hope you live a miserable life right now you evil sick minded man and really you are so bad at writing. You sound like an evil weird psychopath that enjoys inflicting and seeing pain in an innocent mother Cow and baby. You are a miserable low life. and you know deep down that nobody wants to have your published disgusting illiterate work. People like you are the poison on Earth.
Did that render you speechless? Dumbfounded? Awestruck? It certainly did me at first. However, once I got over the initial shock of being torn several dozen metaphorical new ones, I couldn’t help but feel a grudging respect for Maria and her amazing ranting abilities. Firstly, you have to respect her passion. If Facebook had a font that allowed people to type in their own blood she most definitely would’ve used it. Secondly, that comment is 138 words, over a tenth of the length of the actual article, which is probably the most anyone has ever written describing my work. And thirdly, she gave me a good hardy laugh, and laughter is good for the soul.
Now, Maria clearly put a lot of time and effort into reviewing my article, and since this is the first full length review I’ve ever received I feel that I owe it to her to return the favor. So I’m going to breakdown and review her comment sentence by sentence. So here you go, Maria:
Chase’s Response to Maria’s Epically Scathing Comment
Chase Dickens you are an abomination and an aberration.
Boom! You really came out of the gate fast and strong, Maria. Not only am I an abomination, the noun form of abominable, a word usually reserved to describe murderous snowmen; but I’m also an aberration. That’s not an all too common word, so A+ on grammar so far. Someone whipped out their thesaurus for that one didn’t we, Maria?
You call this an article: this is the most disgusting and hateful piece I have ever read, using demeaning words for a sweet animal that you just traumatized so you can show your power trip over a baby.
As to it being the most disgusting and hateful piece you’ve ever read… Okay, I’m a little proud of that one. I mean, out of everything you’ve read I reigned supreme? I hope I beat out the Twilight series on your list! That’d be pretty impressive. However, I would never use demeaning words to show a power trip over a baby, whether it be bovine or human. I would steal their feed or candy while saying, “Na-na na-na boo-boo,” which a keen observer will notice aren’t technically words.
this how you speak of the animals that make you profit.
Yes. And also you forgot to use a question mark there. You’re losing grammar points now, Maria.
Shame on you!
Sorry, I lack the capacity for shame.
I hope Hell awaits you and I hope you live a miserable life right now you evil sick minded man and really you are so bad at writing.
Whoa now. Pump the brakes there, Maria. I thought we could eventually move passed our differences and become friends after all this, but with you wanting me to live a miserable life followed by eternal damnation in Hell…
I just don’t know anymore, Maria. I just don’t know. However, I will be nice and not point out the irony of you calling me a bad writer in what can only be described as the Hindenburg of run-on sentences.
You sound like an evil weird psychopath that enjoys inflicting and seeing pain in an innocent mother Cow and baby.
Am I Evil? That’s debatable. Weird? Definitely. Psychopath? Still waiting to hear back from my shrink.
You are a miserable low life.
You’re just trying to be downright hurtful now, but at least you managed to form six words into a grammatically correct sentence.Wait, is it spelled “low life” or “lowlife”?
(Chase checks dictionary)
Damn, it is “lowlife.” You were so close, Maria. So close.
and you know deep down that nobody wants to have your published disgusting illiterate work.
Maria, I only know three things deep down. First, the invention of cheese is mankind’s crowning achievement. Second, I write jokes that I think are funny with the hope of brightening other people’s day with laughter. Third, and this is really just a guess, but I don’t think you were one of those people who like my jokes. It’s kind of hard to tell though. You were so subtle and reserved in your comment.
People like you are the poison on Earth.
I have to admit, Maria, this is a pretty strong ending once I gave it a second to sink in. You faltered a bit in the middle of your rant, I assume, because you’d started typing by violently stabbing your keyboard with a rusty pair of scissors while the song “Murder Train” was blaring in the background, but with this last sentence you really brought it all together. It’s one thing to call me an abomination or condemn me to Hell, but to say I’m the poison on Earth? That’s so much worse. It means that I have an impact on a global scale. Me being toxic to the entire world, while very negative, is still a pretty impressive feat. Kind of makes me feel like I matter.
To wrap up I’m sorry, Maria. I’m sorry you misconstrued what I intended as purely humor as offensive to cows. I didn’t actually read the article to any of my cows nor do they get Wi-Fi in their field, so I don’t think they were offended, but I also apologize to them all the same.
I’ll freely admit this blog has been petty and childish of me. I probably should’ve turned the other cheek and just let it lie, but I’ve always believed the “high road” is for people who can’t think of good comebacks. Also, I can never help myself when I get an idea for a funny blog. So really, I’m grateful for you, Maria. Not only did you give me something to write today, but yours was my very first negative review, and in a way that makes me feel like I’m making it in my writing career, like I’m on the road to success. So thank you Maria, I will remember you fondly all the days of my life, even if that life turns out to be the miserable wasteland you’ve wished upon me.
The Abominable Chase-Man
P.S. Just as I did the halter breaking article I wrote this post purely for humorous purposes. I’m sure Maria is a good person who just really loves animals and doesn’t want to see any harm come to them. I hold no ill will towards her for her opinion of me, nor was I remotely offended by her “colorful” comments. I simply thought the whole thing was hilarious and wanted to make a few jokes about it.
P.S.S. I’ve purposely omitted the name of the cattle company who’s Facebook page this comment was on because I didn’t want them to catch any flack for my smartass remarks. But if you happen to read this, Anonymous Cattle Company, I thank you for sharing my blog, and I doubly thank you for defending me in the comments. You’re super awesome.